When the prophet announced the new ages for women who could serve missions. I cried. I did. At that age I was at a point of making big changes in my life and commitments to the Lord that I knew with all my heart that I had served myself for so long but that I came to the realization that I didn't like that and I didn't like what it did for my life and that I was ready to serve him. I met Kaulana and we wanted to serve him together and we married. Shortly after along came two boys who I feel so absolutely under-qualified to raise. How in the world do I be EVERYTHING they need me to be. How do I teach them to be men of God? How do I teach them to love?... All this without ripping my hair out everyday... I wished at 19 when all my life was changing that I would have the opportunity to serve a mission. The Lord brought Kaulana instead and I knew that was the path for me. But then fast forward to these two boys and I am completely over my head wishing I had the opportunity to serve a mission so that I could be better qualified to teach and love and raise a family how the Lord would want me to. In my head I have always wondered why I didn't get to have that amazing opportunity to help me to learn and grow so that I could be better equipped to be what HE needs me to be for them. Today as I was reading and I realized that I needed to put those two things together. Being better equipped to be a mother and serving a mission. This is my mission. Not in a mission impossible kind of way but. This is truly my mission. The Lord knew me. He knows me. He knew that I needed to be a wife and a mother to learn and to grow in the ways he needed me to. He knows me. He knows what I need. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that knew more than I did. Because oh how I have grown. And how I have yet to grow. I am grateful for this knowledge and the peace it brings.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Seriously haven't blogged in forever. I've been stalling in an effort to wait for the hubbs to hook up our drive for all the pictures to be loaded in on one place between our computers but I can no longer wait because I know I always look back at my pregnancy with the boys and I know I'll want to remember every detail of this sweet spirit coming into our lives!
I switched to a new doctor yet again this pregnancy. I am thrilled with the choice we made because Dr. Holmes has been exceptional. Seriously one in a million OB and I am so grateful for the feeling I should switch. It was so fun having my doctor actually do my ultra sound. So much more personal and so fun! He is so quirky and made everything so fun. The nurse and Dr. Holmes asked if we had any inclinations of what we thought we were having. And needless to say Kaulana and I have both been CONVINCED from the very beginning that we were having a girl. I got lots of warnings from those around me saying I needed to be ok with having a boy. And I was. Even right before the ultrasound I leaned over to Kaulana and said, "I'm ok if it's a boy you know". We were totally okay with having a boy, I mean we have two, we know how to do boys, we have all the stuff for boys, we just felt in our guts that it was a baby girl.
Sure enough Dr Holmes finds just the right spot and says "So what do you think it is!?!" and I hesitated because I didn't want to just say it but THAT WAS NOT WHAT OUR BOYS LOOKED LIKE!
IT'S A GIRL!
I thought for sure I would be jumping for joy! But instead this calm reassuring feeling came flowing through me that "I knew it". She was meant for our family and I can feel it right down to my core! I know it sounds so silly. Every time Dr. Holmes would say "she" I would have the same warming in my heart over and over. It was incredible.
On the other hand it did not even faze Kaulana one bit. He's like "ya and? I already knew it was a girl!" He told everyone from our very first ultra sound that there was a "bow on her head". Seriously this guy.
She was wiggling all over so he would have to snap pictures so quickly to get all the measurements he needed. At the end when he went to actually get a picture of her gender to send home with us she had settled down and was not willing to work with us one bit. She had her legs straight out but crossed at her ankles. Every time we tried to get her to move she would just cross her ankles the other way. It was so tender and sweet but oh so firm. She knew we had seen what we needed to and who else needed proof!?! But my goodness she has the longest most beautiful legs. And what seemed like gigantic feet. I kept thinking we've got a great basketball player on our hands. But Kaulana pointed out that would also be great for a dancer. Here's to dreaming till we get to see her again.
I could swear I felt her kicking at least once a day for two or three weeks from weeks 11-14 but it stopped until recently and consistently since 1*6*15 I feel her quite regularly. It's so awesome. Kaulana even felt her moving around that day. The only thing that got me through so many weeks and weeks of sickness was the knowing that I would get to feel her move! One of the best feelings in the entire world.
I'd like to say I'm just totally besides myself thinking about having a girl but I just knew it! I've almost been preparing this the last three months to hear those words. More like the past two years shortly after Benson was born. But oh gosh are we excited. When time gets closer to her arrival I'm sure I'll be freaking out. "HOW IN THE WORLD DO I DO THIS GIRL THING!" But until then...pure happiness. Kala has been asking for a baby sister ever since we told him that I was pregnant and that he would be getting a little brother or sister. It's about the sweetest thing ever.
Now I just day dream about what in the world her name should be. It has me all out of sorts. With both boys we already knew what their names would be by the ultrasound. We have a few being thrown around but one single name hasn't been nailed down. Part of me thinks she will be our only girl and so she has so many potential amazing names. So many great women in our lives that she could be named after!
We are just so thrilled to be welcoming a little girl and I can't even begin to comprehend the changes about to come into our lives. All I know is dirt, cars, balls and wrestling. She is going to have to be one tough little sister to hold her own with these big brothers of hers. It was so fun peeking in to see her little personality and I can't wait till she gets here to get to know her sweet spirit even more.
Friday, March 14, 2014
that face kills me.
He is just growing up way too fast.
His words this last two weeks have just exploded.
"luh dyou"-love you
Please and thank you are still some of my favorites though. he is just so sweet.
I know there's more I just can't think of them.
meows like a cat
barks like a dog
can make an elephant noise
roar like a tiger
but oh birds are his favorite. Honestly our entire walk consists of "WOOT WOOT WOOT!" with finger points to all of the birds he finds. And he has the best eye for them let me tell you.
He can consistently open all the doors in the house. Yes that includes the bathroom and the pantry. Heaven help me.
He is in mostly 2t clothes. yes the size directly under Kala. I honestly just took a shirt out of Kala's drawer and put it direction on Benson's being.
He thinks he is large and in charge. and he Kind of is.
A half marathon has always been on my bucketlist. I just never realized how much work actually went into preparing for one! Back in October my friend Melissa talked me into training with her for the Phoenix Half Marathon. I was like heck why not, I am just finishing nursing, the weather will be great because lets be honest it's Phoenix in the winter, and having a partner will make me more motivated to get my butt out of bed at 6 in the morning! And the journey began. At the beginning I honestly kept wondering how in the world i would even run 4 let alone 13.1. I thought that there was no way my body would ever get to that point. For those of you who knew me in high school I was not a runner. I just never have been. I sprinted my freshman year. But endurance was not even a word in my vocabulary. My friend got injured just after christmas but I was too determined to quit because I had put way too much effort in thus far. So I continued on my own. Lets be honest, I was exhausted! I just never realized how much time it would take. But it became this love hate relationship. Oh the sunrise and the crisp morning air. Pure heaven. Heavenly Father definitely knew when i was having my rough days, because oh the most beautiful sunrise would appear. Perfection. It's like running helped me to REALLY breathe again. I forgot what that feeling was like. Everything else goes out the door and it was just me and running.
I started having nightmares two weeks before that I would get injured and i would be so crushed if that happened. (Honestly I can't imagine how an olympian feels haha!) Sure enough I rolled my ankle on one of my runs. I almost started bawling right on the spot. I luckily could walk it out and got to run the rest of the way home. It continued (continues) to be sore each time I ran but luckily I COULD STILL RUN! So thankful for that. I also got new shoes the weekend before the race at road runner sports. Honestly they are amazing. Highly recommend them. The shoe dogger was awesome. My times went down from 9:30 miles to 9:00 miles. I thought it was a fluke. But i guess wearing the right shoes, along with the right size (yes that's right I was wearing a half size too small in my previous shoes. go me.) Race day quickly started approaching and so did the weather reports. Friday Sunny. Saturday 80% chance of rain. Sunday Sunny. Seriously! Rain!?!?! In arizona!?!?! I let it freak me out a little. Or a lot. I honestly had never once had to run in the rain during my training. Of course it was supposed to rain on race day. And it did. Luckily it didn't pour.
My friend got to still race so we started out the race together in the rain. it stopped. Then started up again two other times during the race.
All I have to say is that I psyched myself out so much. We started behind everyone because there were sooo many people and our bib's just registered as soon as we crossed the starting line. I held back at the beginning because I was convinced I was just getting excited and that i would probably be exhausted if I tried racing the whole time at that speed. I honestly passed people the entire time. So I thought I was going fast. It wasn't until mile 11 that I really realized how much energy I had left and how little I had left to run. So kicked it into gear. I really ran the last mile and sprinted the last quarter mile. My average pace ended up at 9:44 (which included walking while I was drinking) which is faster than my original goal when i first started this adventure. But somehow I still felt so disappointed in myself because I had been running so much faster in the past month.
I keep reminding myself. Michelle you ran 13.1 miles. far more than I ever could have imagined possible and faster that what my original goal was. I have never run in any race before, let alone a half marathon. All I can say is I can't wait for the next. I am officially an addict. Running is officially my thing. I never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth but here i am!
So many times over the past year I have gotten discouraged with the things my body can't do. The restrictions that have been put on my health. It has been a learning curve. Each day it still is. It has gotten easier. Much easier. But watching my body change and be able to run that half marathon... was liberating. I am so grateful that I had this opportunity. For the love that grew for running. And for this body that I have been given. I have been blessed.
So, I have decided to count this a victory!
I am woman. I am strong.
But that does not stop me from setting goals for next time.
- trust my body. listen to my body.
- run like I have trained
- i got a running watch to make sure I am truly at the pace I want! woo! (feeding the addiction)
|running across the finish 3.1.14|
Here's to future races!!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
This guy turned 18 months a few wells ago and I thought that regardless of how much more blogging I needed to get caught up on I'd post a little on him instead!
He is seriously a one man circus.
He climbs onto and into everything. Hence there is no longer a chair next to my hutch. The chairs at my table lay flat on the ground. And the baby gates stay locked for fear of what he'll get into by himself.
He says please and thank you all the time, except when I ask.
He says "wow" for anything he thinks is cool.
He says "wee" for anything he thinks is fun whether it's sliding down the slide or climbing up a ladder...
He says "mummy!" In a very excited tone only rarely when he absolutely loves what he's eating.
He definitely knows where the m&m jar is and goes over saying please ever so sweetly but quickly escalate to I screeching freaking out of a please quickly if he feels I am not listening. Even if I am and I'm just telling him no!
He loves loves loves his Aden and Anias blankets. And when I say love I mean love. And he just chews the heck out of it. Particularly the tags. It's so funny.
He loves mommy and daddy's toothbrushes.
He loves bath time.
He will only sign when he says more but it's on so gentle and sweet. It's hard though because he has a very loud voice otherwise so sometimes I don't realize he is signing until he is freaking out on me.
He snuggles into my shoulder melts my heart every. Single. Time.
My favorite is when I get home from my runs in the morning and he has just woken up he comes running around the corner giggling and so happy to see me. It makes me feel so happy.
He is super intense.
He has cried in nursery every single week so I've had to stay with him.
He is very apprehensive of new people.
He is so brave.
And very calculated.
Last week a hard struggling while I was making dinner and I turned to tell Kala to get off his brother when it was actually Benson laying on him. I warned Kala that this day would come.
He just seems so grown up all of a sudden and I just want to breathe in every single moment.
Monday, January 20, 2014
We went on a much needed date this week.
It was so much fun!
It was a double date with some friends. Honestly the best time we've had in a while!
We got ice cream then went bowling.
I less than rocked.
But we just had a blast.
It happened to be the bowling alley the hubbs first told me he loved me.
Oh sweet memories.
|I was the only one that got velcro shoes. haha they said I have little kid feet. bahaha|
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Ok excuse the not having posted in forever. I hate posting without pictures but I never get the chance to use the computer with kaulana always having it for school! But i just wanted to record a few things. Yesterday Benson gave us real kisses with his mouth closed for the first time. Melt my heart. It was the sweetest dang thing in the world. I started teaching Kala his letters. One letter per week, starting with A of course. We've been doing lots of simple activities. Honestly it was one of my only new years resolutions haha. I may have had a disaster house ALL WEEK LONG but oh the joy in that boys eyes was to die for. He has been so so happy all week. Yes we've had our melt downs. We are human over here. But oh there was so much kindness in this boys actions this week. He has never really been that into activities but he has been having a blast. He asks for them daily, if not more than once a day. Learning can be fun can't it! Kala went into sunbeams for the first time a few weeks ago. He has cried every week that I have dropped him off and clung to my dress for dear life. I guess he's only cried for like a minute each time. He loves it and talks about it all week. I have thought each time that he was just going to love it since it's all he talks about. Fat chance mom. I think it's just so much and he just is so tender hearted and nervous by lots of commotion. Benson goes into nursery in a couple weeks. I've gone in to warm him up. This first time he was playing so well they just told me to leave him no big deal since 21 kids had just left for sunbeams. Ya not a minute later I hear this bloody murder scream coming down the hallway. I didn't even make it into relief society. Yup that was my kid. Momma's boy to the core. Now he won't even let me move a muscle without starting to cry. Yes even if I'm holding him. he has to be within arms distance if not directly on my lap. Anyone that has seen him at home can vouch for me in saying that he is a one man circus act. It's a full time job just making sure he doesn't kill himself let alone get the housework done and food on the table. But somehow he just knows how to grab my heart. He officially says please as of a week or two ago (he has said thank you for a while) he signs it to me and says "pwees pwees pwees" over and over in the sweetest little voice. If he hasn't grabbed my attention he starts saying it more abruptly. and LOUD NOISES comes to mind. true to Benson fashion. I love that boy. I've also been training for a half marathon. It has been so incredible. I never thought my body would ever be able to run 9 miles. And yes in fact i ran 9.27 (a 9 minute 46 second avg mile too) on saturday! Holy smokes I'm so excited. I never realized just how much work went into training for a half marathon. Particularly through the holidays. It's been incredible though. The time to myself in the mornings while running is... there are just no words. Somedays I swear I just can't breathe as a mom, it's hard. Life has been particularly exhausting lately. But then heavenly father gives me a sunrise and oh how I know that he loves me. I'm so grateful that I have been able to set this goal for myself. It has been so exciting! The body is a beautiful thing that's for sure!
Here's to journaling a little bit more!
Here's to journaling a little bit more!